MANY A TRUE WORD SPOKEN IN JEST
The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers
Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.
The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.
Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.
The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.
The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access.
Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.
Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic industrial tribunal.
The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability.
Sailors will only work a maximum of 37hrs per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime.
All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a crèche and a gay disco.
Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.
The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for "Rum, sodomy and the lash", so out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water.
Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available on request.
Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor".
All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille.
Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches.
This applies equally to female crew.
The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities.
The Union Jack must never be seen.
The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.
She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People.
Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England's south coast.
The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels ."
His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules."
Sunday, July 12, 2015
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
Nelligen Yacht Club's Commodore, Secretary, Treasurer and only-Member unanimously admitted Robert Bryce as Honorary (but not necessarily honorable) Member.
Robert used to own SV Silver Girl, however, both he and she are now in drydock, he mainly at the not-so-dry Savusavu Yacht Club in Fiji.
However, he's just now relaunched his maritime career in a more modest manner:
Welcome to the Club, Robert! May you pass only fair winds whilst in the head.
Sunday, March 22, 2015
Hubert Hofer of Thursday Island in MV TIGA KALI is the latest honorary member to be admitted to the Nelligen Yacht Club.
Hubert bought TIGA KALI (Indonesian for 'Three Times') as an empty 21’ shell in ’87, extended it by 2 m and fitted a 1978 85 hp Toyota B Diesel with a twin Disc gearbox. Gets about ½ litre/naut mile and has 2½’ draft and cruises at 7.2 Kn.
well due for another one
during a Coast Australia shoot off Cape York in 2014;
pretty hefty sea that day
Thursday, February 26, 2015
Carpe Noctem. Seize the night. Boating at night is different. As different as, well, night and day. To watch the sunset and see the stars come out through the open hatch cover is an experience like no other.
It never takes long to drift off to sleep on a boat and 'lights out' happens before you reach the end of the book. Slip into your bunk, and be serenaded to sleep by the water lapping against the hull.
And early to bed means early to rise and, on a boat, you tend to wake not long after sun-up to light up the kerosene stove for a breaky of bacon and eggs and a hot cup of tea.
Summer is the time to be sleeping aboard. Try it sometime!